Out Of Sin

Fantasies and daydreams were something I had been practicing for many many years. As far back as grade school I can remember drifting off into daydreams and since that time I had practiced, refined perfected and made real my fantasies.  It would take a bold and strong effort to overcome the years of habit and practice. 

One of my goals was to identify all the triggers that lead to acting out in a sexual manner.  If I could identify the triggers and then reduce the likelihood of those, I could control the acting out and set new habits for myself.  Of course most of the triggers revolve around the senses; sight, sound, touch, even smell would result in acting out in some manner.  Going deeper other factors were emotions and feelings.  These triggers were harder to identify mainly due to my lack of maturity in dealing with my emotions.

I began to set guidelines for myself in terms of what I looked at, who I talked to, and even how I treated myself.  I became very strict with my internet activity (sight), my TV viewing (sight and sound), and even refrained from gazing at women in public.  All these triggers would result in some form of fantasy that spun into acting out physically.  Masturbation being a big part of the acting out, meant that I now had to be conscious of how I perceived touch from others, and also how I touched myself.  I eliminated all forms of self stimulation.  I want to make a mention here that it was impossible for me to engage in self stimulation (masturbation) and keep my thoughts pure.  Perfumes and other aromas would also spark fantasies, so I had to be aware of the temptation there.  All these triggers would result in daydreams and sexual fantasy that regularly lead to masturbation and my desire to photograph women.

The emotional triggers were much more difficult to identify, but were just as strong as the external triggers.  Frustration, worry, disappointment, sadness, excitement, anger all resulted in my escape from reality.  My inability to deal with these feelings fed the desire to act out in a sexual manner.  It was through counseling that I was given the chance to open up and deal with some of the issues that prevented me from maturing in this area.  To succeed in this area I began to journal with a focus on the emotions involved in situations rather than just facts and data.  I also made an effort to push through my reaction of closing off and retreating when faced with pressure in uncomfortable situations.  Continuing difficult dialogues and later examining the feelings involved was imperative to my recovery.  Instead of avoiding uncomfortable situations I was forcing myself to confront them.

The deeper understanding I gained of myself and the triggers allowed me to avoid the spiral.  A trigger sparked a thought, which grew into a fantasy (daydream), which resulted in the desire for pleasure and ultimately into making that desire reality.