It is always the case that we justify our actions in some way or another and such was the case with me. My lack as a husband directly influenced my marriage and the resulting feedback lead me to withdraw. The foundation for such behavior had been laid many years before my marriage, but the sin started to rapidly build as I spun selfish thoughts and fantasies within my mind. It was not long before I started acting out sexually and opened the door to a secretive hidden side of me that I dared not share with anyone close to me.
Over the years it progressed and through my selfishness I never realized the pain and destruction even when faced with being caught. Pornography had been present for years, in the form of magazines and movies. In the early stages of our relationship it was accepted by my then future wife. With the development of the Internet, porn gradually became an ever increasing fascination, and it is only now that I can see how it slowly destroyed the relationship with my wife.
What seemed innocent enough evolved into trips to naturist parks, and the occasional strip club. When confronted on these issues I downplayed them and while I felt I was getting away with something I was really killing my marriage. The ensuing downward spiral in communication and connection with my wife escalated my acting out sexually. My focus became the Internet and the overwhelming amount of material available.
When finally confronted again it was apparent that I had gone too far and that my acting out (IM chat, email correspondence with others, picture sharing) was indeed a major problem. I made radical changes in my life at that point and took on a quest for purity and a goal to rebuild my marriage. Unfortunately I did not seek out the needed resources and my demise was only around the corner.
Six months of work, and in my mind purity, began to fall apart as I failed to understand what my wife needed. Had I sought professional help at that time the outcome may have been different, but the ensuing struggle was only worse than before. You never pick back up at the start, you pick back up where you left off, so the acting out can only progress to a much worse level than previous. I started to mix photography with what I deemed a need for sexual freedom. This resulted in numerous model shoots all under the guise of photographic art. I was not just looking at naked women, but I was now actively producing the images myself.
What a blow to my marriage, my wife, and myself. Temptation and sin have a way of twisting perception and turning all thoughts onto oneself. I justified my actions with my environment. An environment I created.
